True friends October 18, 2007
Posted by sloncek in blog.Tags: cultural differences, Friends, fun, talent, true friends, USA
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I have been wondering for the past few days, can you really become a good friend with somebody from USA? I am not saying I don’t like American people, quite opposite of that. I think they are really cool to hang out with and they seem like great people. But the vibe that I get from most of the people here is like, they do not really care that much about you. I could be completely wrong, though, so please if I insult anybody I am sorry.
When I first moved here, I thought that making friends with everybody will be so easy, because most of them seemed so open and willing to talk about anything. We had fun, we partied a lot, but when it comes to my problems, I don’t get a feeling that I can really open up to anybody or talk about the problems I have, like I could at home.
I have been told before, that when I go to USA, my closest friends are going to be international students, and sadly I have to agree. Simply I just think we can understand each other a lot better, and now I am not talking about any language barriers right now. It is just like, we think a lot more similar. Yes, America has a different kind of culture, but …. I don’t know. I really miss talking about random things. I miss having ‘deep’ talks.
This is going to sound kinda unfair again, but when I do start telling somebody about something, I do not think they really listen. And when I would really need them to ask more, they most of the time change the subject. Americans also move a lot, so I do not know, maybe that is why, because they do not want to get to attached to somebody or maybe 2 months is just not enough.
I know my posts recently haven’t sounded most uplifting, but I have not been feeling best emotionally. I feel confused. I don’t know if I want to do acting or producing, also I feel like I have no talents. Everybody here is like really good in animation or they can draw really good and they all have some kind of a talent and I feel like I have nothing. Especially since I think most of them look down on acting, since I think that they think, how hard it is to be an actor. Once again I might be wrong and probably I am, it is just a feeling I have. I just feel ‘untalanted’.
I will try to start writing happier blog posts, because I am not in a bad mood all the time, hehe. It is just when I get to the computer and I have more time to think that it brings me down. And once again to say, I love people like Stacia and Ava, I really do. I just don’t feel myself, just yet.
Update: Cause I see some people are upset about it, well what can I say. I said before I am probably wrong. But that is how I feel right now.
čakamo da prideš dam!
Ojla!
Sloncek itak da si talentiran. A veš kaj ti je že vse pr teh letih ratal. Marsikomu ne rata to. In ni se ti sam usral, ampak si si vse zaslužil. Poleg tega pa maš A-je in B-je pr predmetih, in dvomim da prfokse kar talajo take ocene. Sigurno vidjo kej potenciala v tebi.Pa tud Tristan ga je mogu lan, da ti je dal vlogo:) Za deep conversations sem ti vedno na voljo na msn-ju, pa čeprav vem da to ni isto. Pa tud glede tvojga odločanja med accting al pa producing ti lahko dam par nasvetov da se boš lažje odločil (vsaj upam no).
Vrjemi vase, jaz definitivno verjamem.
papa, Karin
hej andrejci!!!!
komi cakam globoke pogovore v sombrerotu!!!! jst jih tut tuki nimam, ker pac sm sele 3 tedne kle in se se ne poznamo dobr. Jst vem, da si talentiran, ker sm ze delala s tabo in loh za sigurn to potrdim. sveda, ker se ljudje bojimo neznanega, se rajsi pocitmo netalentiranega, kot pa da si priznamo, da nas je samo preprosto strah. to ni nc slabga. ful eno lepo misel sm zanc slisala
tut roza ne raste samo od sonca, ampak od dezja in sonca. clovek pa isto, tko da je vse ok.
objemcek, aja, pa pisi mi kaj, te ze ful douk nism slisala.
Oh, pa itak je logicno, da zapades v eno tako fazo (krizo?), k zares ne ves kaj pocnes, pa ne ves kdo bi te sploh razumel…
It’s gonna get better.
Ce ne druzga, si dolzen kaksen Stargate spinoff, pls. 
Jst se prov veselim, k prides sem konec leta.
Americans are fed up with whiney europeans…why are you so special that the world needs to come to a grinding halt and listen to your problems?
If you think “Americans” don’t care about you then take your whiney ass to France or Russia…I’m certain their effervescence will change your views of Americans!
Grow a scrotum, Martha.
Hey Slonček,
You’ve still only been there a short while. While I understand your desire to have close friends you should think about how long it took you to make your very good friends here in Slovenia.
There are a few good Americans. It may just be a matter of taking your time and choosing the right people.
camille, yeah I understand. And i know the post might have been understood as an insult to some people, i did not mean it like that. i just had few bad days.
I don’t envy you one bit and hope you find some “warmer” people around you.
Wish you luck & don’t loose your trust in yourself
I think you’re experiencing typical immigrant loneliness – a socio-psychological phenomenon that can happen to you anywhere in the world. Welcome to the club.
There are papers written about it, e.g.:
Social Isolation, Loneliness and Immigrant Students’ Search for Belongingness: From Helplessness to Hopefulness (LINK: http://www.eric.ed.gov/ERICDocs/data/ericdocs2sql/content_storage_01/0000019b/80/17/2d/e3.pdf)
Abstract:
The increase in global mobility has brought about the recent increase in the number of students who are not from the majority culture in classrooms across the United States and Canada and who report experiencing loneliness and social isolation. The students’ loss of self-esteem and the development of learned helplessness are directly related to the persistence of their experiences of loneliness. This study analyzed 10 immigrant elementary school students’ descriptions of their experience of loneliness, as part of a larger-scale interview study on loneliness in 75 Canadian elementary school students. Transcripts were analyzed from the point of view that deficits in affective, motivational, and cognitive areas are created as a result of the lack of a school culture of acceptance and belongingness. Students’ remarks illustrated how lack of satisfying peer relationships leads to: (1) loneliness, lowered self-esteem, and lack of desire to go to school; (2) expectations to fail and reluctance to initiate social contacts; and (3) lack of confidence in their abilities. Findings suggest that pedagogical thoughtfulness and tactfulness on the part of the teacher are required so that immigrant students can be provided more opportunities to connect with their peers as they participate in shared meaningful experiences. Such experiences can provide all students and teachers with opportunities to relate to one another and to strengthen their sense of belongingness to the school community.
*hug*
Very interesting comment BBLN.. I did a year abroad as a student and had many of the same feelings Slonček described and those you mentioned. I never stopped to think that there was a phenomenon at work.
* Joins the Slonček group hug *
Slonček, I have to report to you that I know the phenomenon from a German university, too. I didn’t experience anything like it myself, but it was a very common topic among international students here. I am quite sure it is really about how one feels in any “host nation”, not just America.
So, please, don’t give yourself up for something that turns up just about everywhere and seems to be a necessary part of your experience. Blogging might help.
Sloncek, you have to keep in mind that you spent your whole life up till now in a very small country and you never had to make friends from scratch. And even though Americans do move around more, a lot of your buddies at the university might not live too far away from their family and friends and are thus not interested in making new friends. Of course, then there is the whole cultural difference, where you really don’t want to discuss baseball and football and TV all the time…
@Jim: It takes more than a scrotum to move across an ocean and start a new life, you dickwad.
Grow a pair. Of braincells.
Someone posted “Jim: It takes more than a scrotum to move across an ocean and start a new life, you dickwad.”
Use your head genius – your whiney Slovene friend is in San Francisco…the most promiscuous gay community on this planet is in San Francisco.
If your male Slovene friend cannot even attract gay male friends in San Francisco, or the fag-hags that encircle them, then perhaps he, and you, fail to see the obvious…
2007 Folsom Street Fair in San Francisco
http://www.zombietime.com/folsom_sf_2007_part_1/index.php
I am not exaggerating in the least…if Sloncek cannot find friends in a city typified by the photos in the above link then perhaps he needs to find a city more openly Gay…Amsterdam? Rio de Janeiro?
It’s the other way round, Sloncek: it would be surprising if you didn’t have some “immigrant blues”. According to Marvin Gaye, home is “wherever I lay my hat” and that, in general, is true. Just add few more conventional things – favourite coffee shop, favourite dish in favourite restaurant, good dentist – and hey, presto, home becomes a bit more than just a state of mind. It’s also true that people abroad behave differently, and that goes for both Slovenians and Americans. Two of my best friends in London are Americans. It could be true that we are sticking together because we are still foreigners after all these years (16 and counting), but then again, you really don’t become a true friend with somebody after only few days or months. It takes time. All other doubts: great. “I doubt, therefore I think, therefore I am.” It’s quite simple, really. And I bet your stuffed peppers tasted GREAT
)
Ahh, I see the problem.
Our friend Jim here is afraid of teh gay. You know Jim, if you have these fantasies of being rodgered up the ass you really don’t need to take it up on nice people fresh off the boat. Perhaps you could ask your girlfriend to wear a strap-on for starters. You should accept who you are, since you are constantly fantasizing about this , Jim from San Jose. You could even move across the Bay and get it all the time, just like in your dreams. And then perhaps you’d understand the difference between friends on a true intellectual level and your pitiful repressed homosexual tendencies. Just come out of the closet already and stop spewing this hatred around; gay people are cool. It’s just haters of the world like you that suck.
I’ll just echo what other people have been saying (except Jim, what are you talking about dude? Wait, don’t answer that, nobody cares). It’s really hard to meet people when you are new.
I remember thinking that I’d never make friends in Slovenia, would maybe just have some acquaintances from school. I was lucky to have my partner there, so it wasn’t a lonely experience. Moving somewhere on your own and starting from scratch is brave! We already had a contact here, who became a good friend and also introduced us to people who would become close friends.
Beyond the usual “immigrant blues”, I think you are on to something about ease of meeting people though. I find that North Americans are more outgoing and friendly up front (think of an American waiter versus a European waiter). Behind that “How y’all doing?” exterior, is a bit of reserve that is hard to crack. Slovenians, I find (and this is just IMHO), are more reserved up front, which for a North American can even seem unfriendly, but once you crack the exterior, are very easy to get to know and become friends with. Generalization? Yep. YMMV.
(And an aside to echo Crni: gay people are definitely cool. The GLBT community is one of the things that makes San Fran such a vibrant, fun and artistic city.)
Slonček, if this is any help at all, one of the people I feel closest to is an American. In fact, I consider her my third Grandmother. Pat is a very special person down in South Georgia of all places and has given me so much…
People are people no matter where you go. My tiny tip would be to try and hang out with those who boost your energy rather than soak it up. That’s it.
Basically, most people are good… Just give them (and yourself, for that matter) a chance.
Cheer up, Slonček.
Hugs from Ljubljana
Hey Slonček,
If you ever come to Washington D.C., let me know; I’m an American-Slovene and I would definitely prove the whole American friendship thing is possible. You have to also understand what area of the U.S. you are in as well. Many people from all over America and beyond move to San Fransico to pursue intense careers (all of California I should say). It’s bit more than a phenomenon.
Just a thought, how many Slovenian Homes have you visisted in San Fran since you been there?
I’m sorry you’ve had a bad experience so far. It may be the area you are in. California is a beautiful state with lots of things to do, but the people can be selfish. The South and Midwest aren’t as exciting to be sure, but the people there tend to be a lot kinder and down to earth.
Friend of mine did a year-long internship in Germany. The folks where she worked gave her a great send-off party. She was like, “Where were you when I was new and looking to make friends? Going-away-time is way, way too late.”
Also, making friends with the internationals is ok. Happens everywhere, as best as I can tell.
Third, think about joining a sports group of some sort. That kind of shared activity builds friendships.
Sloncek, You are not alone in your feelings! I am from the U.S., have lived in many part of this country and in Europe. And I am ready to move back to Europe. All you say is very true. Someone on here even made your point for you by saying you were whining and asking why anyone should care about you. What a mean thing to say to another human being. Americans love you to be interested in them but tend to be terrible listeners = lack of interest in you. I am always engaging others in conversation asking them questions and rarely experience any interest in me whatsoever. Many of these people don’t understand that my interest in them, though sincere, is also self serving. I am genuinely interested in others but it’s a “two way street.” Or at least it should be. There is an art to having adult conversations and meaningful exchanges with people. It’s a give and take where everyone comes out satisfied. But this art is not really commonplace in the U.S. And I have never found the depth of connection with people in the U.S. the same way I have in Europe. In Europe, I will have meaningful exchanges as soon as I arrive there. This idea that it takes months or years to connect with people is ridiculous. It’s all about being in the moment with people. When we’re in the moment, there is no end to the people we can connect with and be close to every moment of our lives. I am old enough now that I don’t have interest in trying to rationalize it. I know what I know. We live and we learn. Most Americans don’t even have passports and the ones who do and use them tend to take their limited vacation time covering a lot of tourist ground when they travel. But the Americans I have met who have lived abroad as I have usually say very similar things. And they rarely come back to the U.S. permanently, so I’ve noticed. Good luck!
huh, tole pa se je folk razpisu!